


Things We Do Not Say

by redfiona



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: M/M, Minor Character Death, Missing Scene, Non-Graphic Violence, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-16
Updated: 2012-10-07
Packaged: 2017-11-15 20:49:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/531548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redfiona/pseuds/redfiona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Talking was something they found easy, communicating was more difficult, even before they travelled to the country of Shura.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 1 has spoilers up to volume 10 (chapter 68 to be more specific)

Kurogane was no fool. Fai was attracted to him. At least Fai had the decency to make it obvious. Kurogane couldn’t stand people who pussy-footed around things.

It also meant he had something to offer Fai as thanks. Tomoyo’s curse had left him in a terrible position on this world. He needed to kill people to prove to Yasha-ô’s army that he belonged here, and not dead in a ditch, but he couldn’t do it without weakening himself severely. He knew full well what Fai’s views on killing people were, and before this, he’d only ever seen him use non-lethal methods, even on the Oni. It was a sentimentality that Kurogane could not abide. In Fai’s defence, the moment that he’d known that those methods weren’t enough, he’d started to shoot like a born archer. Fai was exceedingly good at his chosen weapon. This was probably just as well, as the army they camped with didn’t seem to be the kind to take to strangers who didn’t speak their language and couldn’t fight. Kurogane had tried to cover up the language issue by saying that Fai was his simple cousin, which also helped to explain why they kept each other so close at all times. Their group had already been divided once; it would have been disastrous for it to happen again, especially as, without the white pork pun, they had no escape from this world.

So Fai killed for him and each night Kurogane offered Fai his body to do with as he wished. Each night Fai refused. His reasons varied, to judge by his expression, if you could. Sometimes it seemed to be against his desires and the offer was laughed off. Those were the nights that followed the good days, when there’d only been brief skirmishes, and few losses to either side. Other days, Fai shook his head for ‘no’ without any particular expression. Mostly though, there was a look of wounded pride, as though Kurogane only made the offers out of pity. As if he would. Pity wasn’t an emotion Kurogane accepted as motivation for anything. It was a grateful thanks that was being offered. Kurogane understood that Fai didn’t enjoy fighting and thought that killing was wrong, never mind the fact that the man you’d just killed would have killed you if he could have. It wasn’t as though Kurogane could comfort him even if they could talk to each other, they’d just argue as usual. Right now though, he had no way of making himself understood which, for a man who prided himself on his actions speaking louder than his words, was intolerable. Fai, who used words to distract people, was so clear in what he meant, even without them.

Like today. Today had been one of the bad days. A massive battle, lots of fighting, glory to be had on both sides, with none for Kurogane and too much for Fai. Fai had kindly awarded Kurogane half his kills, so that he could eat in the company of the other soldiers without feeling ashamed. Not that they managed that exactly, with Kurogane feeling like a fraud because it was dishonourable to weaken a man and then let someone else kill him, and Fai, because, despite having had almost six months to get used to it, still didn’t grasp that killing was necessary here. They looked so miserable that the others kept away from them, leaving them to eat their broth alone before they went to their tent.

These horrible nights had become more frequent recently, for reasons unclear to Kurogane, as nothing had changed in the camp, no preparations for the end were being made, and Yasha-ô had always been a withdrawn commander, or had been since they arrived. When some of the longer serving soldiers spoke of Yasha-ô, they might as well have been talking about a different man.

Normally, while Fai wouldn’t take what he was being offered, he’d take something else instead. He’d rest against Kurogane’s chest, and as he lay there, with Kurogane’s right arm wrapped around him, his breathing would even out, deepen and slow. Kurogane would normally fall asleep shortly afterwards. It was amazing how quickly he had adapted to that. The first night he’d barely slept, terribly aware of someone else being there. It wasn’t as though he wasn’t used to close quarters, with twenty of you, elbow to elbow, in one room, but even then your space was your own, and no one lay on top of you. Every part of him had been straining to leap up and sound the alarm, there was an intruder, someone close in his bed space. He’d managed not to, but it was a close thing.

Tonight was different though, different even to the other bad nights. Fai seemed angry, like wanted to argue with Kurogane, and lacking that, to rant at him, so that Kurogane would understand that he was angry, even if he didn’t know why. Fai had kept his vocal cords in working order by talking away at Kurogane, about whatever nonsense he was thinking of at the time, same as he had done before. But now, sounds came, and Kurogane understood nothing but anger.

“And it’s just so pointless.” Except that Kurogane suddenly could.

“Say that again.”

“And it’s just so pointless.” Fai repeated, astounded and slowly, like this wouldn’t last. Mokona must be close by. If it was with the others and they came near, they would be able to find them, and the group would be reunited.

Fai carried on. “Do you think the others are nearby?”

“I don’t know. I hope so.”

“I hope Sakura will be all right.”

“I hope that Sayoran has been keeping up with his training.”

“Kuro-pin, you’re such a Dad.”

“Don’t start that again.” The nonsense speak had been better than that. “Whatever has happened, we will find out tomorrow. We will go to sleep.” Kurogane moved to go to sleep, this was exciting news, yes, but it had been a hard day and there would undoubtedly be a similar day tomorrow. They needed all the rest they could get. Kurogane moved to go to sleep, wrapping an arm around Fai.

Fai shrugged his arm off. “You don’t have to do that, not now. We can talk now.” Fai moved further away. Kurogane had been right; Fai did think that what Kurogane had been doing was entirely to humour him.

“I’ve never done anything in this tent that I didn’t want to do.” It was specific enough that Fai would know that he was telling the truth. He often had to do things outside that he really didn’t want to do, mostly not killing their opponents and having to leave them to Fai, but in here, everything was his choice.

He kissed Fai on the forehead and went to sleep. He hoped Fai would also go to sleep, but he held out no hopes. Hopefully it wouldn’t disturb him too much, because one of them ought to be rested for tomorrow, given what it could bring.  



	2. Chapter 2

"He hasn’t been practising enough." Kurogane had been waiting to explode about this since the end of the battle.

"You were quite unexpected."

"A soldier’s life is filled with the unexpected. He needs to be prepared."

"Once he was over the shock he did do well though, didn’t he?"

"Yes." It was a grudging sort of yes, but Fai could tell he meant it. It was worth three minutes of praise from most people.

"So, what do you think will happen tomorrow?"

"There will be another battle." There was something in the air. They were finally heading to a final point. Both Fai and Kurogane would put money on the arrival of the others being the deciding factor. And then there was what they had talked about the night before, and all the consequences from that, which they’d both not mentioned since then.

The conversation had reached a distinct pause, not as awkward as it could have been given all of that, but still, growing more so, like there was something that they both wanted to say, but weren’t. It was unusual. They had always been, if not honest with each other - Kurogane had no doubts that Fai hadn’t told any of them the whole truth, at least not all of the time - then at least straightforward with each other. Kurogane didn’t like it. He was reasonably sure that Fai felt it too. He was expecting Fai to break the tension with a stunt or a pratfall, but he’d always been less ridiculous in private than in public, much to Kurogane’s annoyance, if Fai would only behave in public like he did when it was just the two of them, he wouldn’t be angry half as often as he was. This would probably be the only time Kurogane wanted him to act up. So, of course, Fai didn’t.

All Fai did was sit there, smiling. It was the absent smile he sometimes had, when he couldn’t convincingly fake one. There were few expressions Kurogane hated more. It was so helpless and hopeless and not trying to do anything about either situation, and he knew, somehow, that Fai wasn’t like that, not when he was pushed into doing something. So Kurogane felt the pressure was on him to do the pushing. He wasn’t sure how to, not because he wasn’t capable, but he found that he couldn’t bring himself to hurt Fai, not like this. He was sure that the magician was strong, physically, he was fragile in other ways, and Kurogane didn’t want to damage him further.

At the same time, Fai had proved himself more than competent at defending himself, and it wasn’t as though he didn’t want this too. All Kurogane had to do was reach out. So he did. He took Fai’s cheek in his left hand and carefully moved closer. Fai could have pulled away, and they could have laughed it off, but he didn’t. Closer still, close enough to see the traces of what was either shame or disgust, and he almost pulled away, right there and then. He wasn’t going to make Fai do anything he was ashamed of, and he wasn’t going to be looked at with disgust. But that was when Fai took the initiative from him. Fai’s face cleared, something passed from him, Kurogane didn’t know what, but knew that whatever it was probably had a strong bearing on all of Fai’s mysteries. Fai kissed him.

"This changes nothing, you know."

"Of course." Fai was probably right. Whatever the wizard felt exactly was beyond Kurogane, but he knew that what he himself felt wasn’t going to change. Once he decided something, once he was certain, he didn’t change.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Tomoyo of another world causes Fai to worry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has spoilers up to volume 12 (chapter 89 to be more specific).

Fai went out onto the platform that overlooked Piffle City when Tomoyo came back in. Kurogane had remained outside, looking up at the moon as though it held the answers to his questions.

"You may as well come over. I can hear you thinking."

"What am I thinking then?" Fai stepped out of the shadows.

"I don't know, but you do it too loudly." Whatever the factual merits of Kurogane's statement, Fai understood what he meant. His head was racing. Kurogane was the first of them to meet someone who they'd known in their own worlds in an alternate one when that person knew about the existence of other worlds. They'd met doubles before, but never ones who knew enough to take advantage of it. Their confusion normally gave them away before any harm could come to anyone. Fai would be able to tell if an Ashura was his Ashura by magic deep within his bones, but how could the rest of them know? He tried to tell himself that his worrying was for practical reasons, to make sure they weren't deceived and how to avoid such deceptions, but he knew it was mostly because he wanted to make sure Kurogane didn't leave them to chase after some imposter Princess. Fai could cope with losing Kurogane back to Kurogane's own princess, but not to anyone else.

"I didn't want to interrupt."

"You didn't." Kurogane had been given all the information he needed before Fai came onto the platform. "She told me that the Princess is well."

"So you're happy."

"I am ... satisfied. I won't be happy until I am back in Japan and able to look after her myself. There is only one person I trust with that task."

"Brave Kuro-pin, determined to do his duty."

Fai would have carried on, but Kurogane cut him off. "I assume you've come out here for some reason."

"Well, you have brought the best sake out here with you." The bottle was almost empty. It had been nearly full when Kurogane brought it out.

"And ..?" Kurogane wasn't going to be distracted.

"When did you know she wasn't your Princess Tomoyo?"

It was an interesting question, with a difficult answer, but Kurogane felt that Fai deserved a proper answer, or the answer as well as Kurogane could describe it, because how could you describe a sensation of not quite rightness when you didn't know what caused it.

"It was the wrong smile." His Princess had a very serious smile; Kurogane thought it was because she was a Miko as well as her royal position. President Tomoyo had a much more forceful smile. But it had taken seeing her smile to tell. "The Princess doesn't smile like that. Why do you ask?"

It was the certainty that shook Fai. No, Kurogane wouldn't chase after the wrong Princess; he'd only leave them for the real one. "I wanted to know how people without magic could tell if someone was the right version of a person."

"I don't think there is a sure-fire way, not quickly. But I think we'd all be able to tell, eventually. I don't know if that's quickly enough, and you're right, that's a huge risk, and something we should work on." Kurogane had looked so peaceful out here, Fai hadn't wanted to disturb him. He felt ashamed that his selfish question had distressed him, so Fai looked for a way to distract Kurogane and seized on the sake bottle.

"No. We'll think about it tomorrow. We have this," he held up the bottle and pointed to it, "to finish tonight."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's love that will destroy us all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains spoilers up to chapter 163.

He wasn’t going to let this happen. Fai was not going to die, not without a fight, and if Fai wouldn’t fight, Kurogane would fight for him. He hadn’t been able to do anything about what happened to his mother and father, except for swearing vengeance, but, he could do something about this.

The witch would have a way.

~~~~

She did.

And for once she hadn’t lied about the price, well, at least not directly.

The whole chain of wishes had been paid for by Sakura, and Fai was alive. The witch had also been telling Kurogane the truth when she’d said Fai might never forgive him for saving him, and the manner in which he’d done it. Kurogane was less sure about everything else she’d told them, this nonsense about hitsuzen be damned, one day he would meet her again and he’d explain to her the principle of need to know. He needed to know everything in order to do anything useful. It was like trying to fight against an enemy with one arm tied behind your back – it could be done, but why give him such an advantage.

It was nearly time for Fai to feed again.

It had been easier to make Fai eat earlier on, when he was not fully healed. Fai had decided he was well enough to travel; a decision Kurogane assumed was based on the knowledge that the other Sayoran was out there collecting feathers and that they had to stop him, and while Kurogane doubted Fai was as healthy as he was pretending to be, he wasn’t going to argue with Fai because, tactically, Fai was right. The rest of them could protect the Princess without Fai, and they couldn’t spare the time to wait for him to get better.

Originally, all Kurogane had had to do was to open his wrists. Fai would latch on and drink deep, because he couldn’t resist, he needed the blood and his mind was powerless to stop his body. Fai never drank too deeply, and as long as Kurogane ate and drank enough, the process had no negative effects on Kurogane.

The process was a simple one, and relatively painless for Kurogane once he had made the initial cut. Despite being messy eaters – he’d had to hold Fai’s hair out of the way quite often at the start – vampires seemed to be able to take only what they needed when they so chose and their feeding didn’t hurt. Kurogane thought it could be like mosquitoes that inject their victim with something to prevent them noticing the mosquitoes feeding. They also seemed to secrete something to allow quick healing of the cuts that they had been drinking from. The wounds on his wrist didn’t scar, and healed quicker than the other ones he’d received around the same time.

But that had been before. Once Fai regained his strength, he tried, stubbornly, to not drink any more of Kurogane’s blood. That had failed after an attack by bandits on one world left Fai with a gaping wound in his side. The injury seemed to reawaken his thirst, and he latched on like his life depended on it, but the uncontrollable need ended once Fai was healed.

Since then, it had become ever more difficult to make Fai take blood. Kurogane frequently had to resort to opening his wrists and letting his blood drip temptingly until Fai couldn’t help himself. He could feel Fai’s hunger from across the room, and he could feel the bitter bile of Fai’s hatred when he did finally feed.

~~~~

Fai wanted to hate Kurogane, but he couldn’t, so he raged at him instead. Cold, furious unblinking rage, cloaked in politeness.

Fai thought his father could have loved them, if it hadn’t been for the curse, and he knew his brother loved him, and that love, better, stronger, deeper than Fai’s, had got him killed, because Fai was utterly unworthy of that love.

Ashura loved him and he thinks he loved Ashura, and that love blinded him to the things that Ashura did for far too long.

He swore off love. He would never love again, and he’d never let anyone love him again. It was too dangerous. Love did terrible things to people, made them do awful things.

He never meant to fall in love with Kurogane. The ninja was rude, loud, angry and overbearing; he needed taking down a peg or two and he was just too serious not to mock. Fai had spent a lot of time watching Kurogane so that he could time his stunts just so, and he’d noticed the quiet kindnesses that Kurogane performed and that he was exactly the same kind of rude to everyone be they prince or pauper. Kurogane was also brave, in a way that Fai could never have been, morally as well as physically.

They also spent more time together because they were, theoretically, the responsible adults of the party and someone had to try and look after the children. They’d talk and plan about things like food and clothing, especially when it looked like Sayoran was about to go chasing after the feather with no thought about what they’d do if he didn’t find it within a couple of hours. Those times were curiously satisfying, like he was building something beautiful.

He should have resisted, turned cold the minute he realised the depths of his feelings. But it was too comfortable. Because Kurogane responded to things, flying off into rages or listening to what he had to say, and it was fun. Was that so much to ask for! A touch of human kindness, everyone, even someone as base as him deserved that much.

Even if he couldn’t stop himself, he should have stopped once Kurogane responded. But he was weak and only human. Who could resist all that?

He knows Kurogane loved him, and that was why he saved Fai’s life. How much easier would their task have been if the other Sayoran were unable to use the magic that he would be growing into now? Fai would gladly have sacrificed his life to stop Sakura being hurt further. Given the power that Sayoran could now wield, Kurogane’s love could have damned them all. For all Fai knew, his weakness had caused untold further damage.

Fai couldn’t hate Kurogane, he loved him desperately, but he could hate himself, and be so angry that Kurogane had exhibit the same weakness as him. Kurogane was a better man than he could ever hope to be, how could they share the same flaw?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now there will be an extended hiatus because I've mislaid volumes 18-21 and I need them for the next part.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurogane's way has always been solve the problem first, be angry later. He accepts the price for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers up to volume 22.

There was a moment where Kurogane wanted to kill Fai. It wasn’t mercy that stayed his hand, but the knowledge that living on despite killing Sakura would hurt Fai more than a swift sword stroke ever could. There are lots of things he doesn't think about in that moment, but knows deep down instead. First amongst them is that he wasn't this vindictive before, he would have given the man a quick death instead. He's sure that this isn't what Tomoyo had wanted him to learn, but he's so angry at this betrayal.

Then Sakura spoke, like she’d planned all of this, which would explain why she’d been so withdrawn recently. It was the only thing Kurogane understood about what was going on. He didn’t know why Sakura had planned this, or why Fai had tried to kill her.

He also knew that Fai had no part of Sakura’s plan; that much was plain from both their faces. Kurogane doubted that Fai would even have recognised Sakura’s words without her touch; he was so far gone in his grief and shame.

Then came the Chess Masters’s explanation, if it could be called that, with help from the witch, which really couldn’t be called that, although she seemed to be the only one making any sense at this point. The witch was also the only one who understood how badly he wanted Sakura to be here so he could knock some sense into her.

They had had the time to decide whether to go to Celes, not that there was any choice with the Princess in danger, not for any of them, but the rest of it had happened so quickly. Ashura-o revealing and unravelling Fai’s past, which must have done with magic, because all of them saw it, as though it was happening in front of them at that moment.

Kurogane would be angry later, but now he had to deal with this.

Ashura-o was going to kill them all, and Fai wasn’t stopping him because of, well, whatever stupidity of Fai was stuck on, because the past was the past and couldn’t be changed, so Kurogane had to take matters into his own hands.

Kurogane was sure that if Fai could distract Ashura-o, he could take out Ashura-o, but Fai didn’t seem to want to let him kill Ashura-o. If Fai couldn’t do it, Kurogane couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t let Kurogane do it. Ashura-o wanted to die, appeared to want it more desperately than Fai ever had.

It was over-confidence on Ashura-o’s part that enabled Kurogane to succeed, because Ashura-o had thought him too injured to be able to do anything more. It was just the distraction that Kurogane needed to do the job.

That was only the start of their problems.

Kurogane barely heard the voice in his ear telling him how to get them out of there. It would be painful but if he did it quickly he should be able to hang on for long enough to get to the next world before he passed out from pain and bloodloss. He was not going to lose Fai.

He’d known plenty, more realistically more than two and less than ten, soldiers who’d been able to fight perfectly well without their non-sword arm.

Kurogane was glad that it was only that arm that he would have to sacrifice, cutting would have been much slower with the other, and then he would have to re-train for longer. His original training had covered fighting with your non-dominant hand, no good training wouldn’t, but it was still noticeably weaker.

He would still have given either for this to work.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Princess Tomoyo's palace gives them all an opportunity to regroup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers up to volume 24

Princess Tomoyo was taken aback by the violence of the wizard’s greeting to Kurogane, but Mokona seemed to be cheered by it.

“Are you sure it’s safe to leave them together?”

“Oh yes, this is better than they’ve gotten along for weeks,” replied Mokona. Obviously, they had a different standard of getting along than most people, and yet, it fitted so well with how Kurogane was with everyone. It also made sense of the discussion she had had with Fai while they waited for Kurogane to awake.

Tomoyo was meditating when she had heard a knock on her door. There was something so hesitant about the knock that, even if she hadn’t been about to answer it, would have made her do so.

“Please excuse me,”

“Oh no, do come in.”

“Will he be alright?” Fai didn’t have to say who he meant by ‘he’.

“Yes. More rest and he’ll be fine.”

“Good.” Fai moved to leave.

“There is something more you wished to say.” It wasn’t a question.

“I ... I do not wish to disturb you.”

“Sit. This is a place of peace. You aren’t disturbing anyone.”

Fai was struck by how similar the Princess was to Kurogane. She may have spoken more softly, more courteously, but she was going to have her way. “How much do you know of what happened?”

“Enough.” Yuko had told her as much as she felt Tomoyo needed to know.

“I think Ashura-o loved me. I think I always knew that but ... how could Ashura-o have done all those things, all those horrible things and still tried to save me?” Fai knew he was babbling. “Forgive me; I have no one else to talk to. Normally I would talk to Kuro...,” the wizard’s voice faded away, not finishing Kurogane’s name, “... before,” before, when he was weak and his mind was strong, as opposed to his new unnatural strength, “I would have spoken to him. In a way.” Fai knew now that he should have been more honest with them, but when he first travelled he knew he had to lie to save his brother and afterwards, well, the man he pretended to be, the man they liked, he didn’t have those kinds of secrets.

Tomoyo remained still and quiet, not wanting to disturb Fai. How long had he needed to talk to someone, someone who wasn’t using him to further a plan?

“Ashura-o was always so kind to me. I don’t think I ever thought why he asked me to kill him, I said yes without knowing what it would mean.” Fai looked down, stared at his palms. There wasn’t a mark on them, but they were stained with the blood he hadn’t shed, that would have saved so much more of it being spilt. “I know now that I should have killed Ashura-o, but I couldn’t, I still couldn’t if he was standing right here in front of us now, because despite the terrible things, despite what he nearly did to Sayoran and Sakura and what he made Kurogane do to himself, because I don’t hate him. I can’t hate him. It’s a terrible thing to think.”

Tomoyo sat with him for a while, quiet, thinking of her response. “Thoughts can’t be wrong. Only actions. I don’t think that anyone will judge you for what you think, not now that we all know what happened.”

“I ... thank you.” Fai stood up, and bowed before trying to leave.

“Sit.” It was not a suggestion. “Sit and be for a while. The servants have been told to inform me if Kurogane stirs.”

They sat and drank tea, no sound beyond careful sipping. Tomoyo tried to maintain a pose that suggested that she invited further discussion should Fai feel like it, but there was nothing more. Fai was still, different to the animated twitchiness of his confession.

The servants did as they were told, and here they were in Kurogane's room. Tomoyo turned and left Fai and Kurogane alone. She sensed that they would prefer some privacy. Certainly, she’d never known Kurogane to talk about anything personal if there were more than just the two of them in the room.

The silence between Fai and Kurogane had reached five awkward minutes. Fai was sat next to Kurogane on the futon, a polite distance between them.

“Stop looking at it.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re looking at where my left arm used to be. It’s very annoying.” Kurogane could feel Fai’s eyes, which seemed to be drawn to the stump. It was sorrow on the wizard’s face, Kurogane disliked that, but it was better than pity.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why? I’m the one that cut it off.” There was no point in being upset about things that had already happened and could not be changed.

“I’m the one that, through inaction, caused you to have to do that.”

“I regret nothing.”

Fai kissed him for that. “That’s good, because I regret lots of things. We balance each other out.” He kissed Kurogane again. “This is not amongst the things I regret.”

“Good.” Kurogane tried to move so that he was more comfortable, but it was difficult. He was still learning how to balance his body without his arm, everything seemed off. He was tempted to make a comment about how they should have done more of this before, but he thought better of it. Maybe he’d learnt a little tact on his journey, along with Tomoyo’s other lesson.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers up to the end of the manga

Once more they continued on their quest.

Clow was a pretty country, charming and full of life for all that it was in a desert. The people were so kind, and gave Fai and Kurogane a room of their own. Fai was pleased, because he intended to do a lot of shouting, and he worried that it would upset not only Sayoran but also their hosts, and that would never do.

Kurogane slowly unwrapped himself and he did it so carefully that Fai was almost tempted to go easy on him, except Kurogane would never, if he later thought about it, forgive Fai if he did. So Fai hit him as hard as he could.

Fai's hand seemed to ring inside; he really would have to learn how to punch better in future. "Why didn't you tell me you were in pain?"

Kurogane only grunted in response.

"If you don't tell me, I can't help you." It was so frustrating.

"There's nothing you can do. The artificial arm hurts sometimes, there's nothing that can be done about it. This arm is as good a replacement as I am going to get." Kurogane flexed his fingers, to show off what Fai would more than happily admit was a fantastic piece of engineering. In a different life, Fai wanted to believe he could have been an engineer, or a designer, someone who created without the need for magic.

"I could have brought more pain relief."

"I don't like using them. They make me slow. They mean I can't be sure that I can do what I want to do."

"If you're in pain, you can't do all the things you want to do either. Let me have a closer look." Kurogane carefully took off his shirt. There didn't appear to be any blistering or rubbing at the surface of the join between flesh and machine, no redness to the skin. The pain must have been on the inside of the join. 

Fai considered what supplies he had with him. After the towers in Tokyo, he realised that they carried no medicines with them, which left them at a disadvantage in many situations. If Yuuko was right, and Fai didn't doubt that she was, the places they were going to find themselves in from now on were only going to get more dangerous and they would need healing materials to hand. He had studied herbs and their uses a little with Ashura-o, and it seemed to be the best way he could aid the group. He had stocked up again before they left Nihon, and it was just a question of whether what he had would suit the purpose of his actions. It seemed odd that the information that Ashura-o gave him could be used to help Kurogane, given that Kurogane had killed Ashura-o, and yet, when Fai thought about it, through the sorrow and guilt he still felt, he thought Ashura-o, the one he loved, not the later monster, would have appreciated it.

He mixed a combination of herbs that should have had a painkilling effect, and a short duration, as he knew Kurogane would wish to be free of their effects tomorrow, whatever Fai's own views were on what would be best.

Kurogane took his medicine without complaint. However convincing Kurogane that he wanted to give his shoulder a rest and take his artificial arm off to sleep was proving to be an impossible task.

Kurogane settled into the bed, arm still strapped to his side. "I need it on me, with me, in case we're attacked."

"It's the matter of three seconds to put it back on."

"Three seconds fully awake, how long when I'm still half-asleep? Anyway, anyone half way capable would kill you in those three seconds."

Fai looked at his hand, anyone who saw the neatly trimmed nails on it would not believe that, in a flash, those nails could grow to talons to match the fangs he had. "No, at the start of our journey, maybe, but not now. You can sleep easily. I can defend myself. I can defend you." Kurogane looked as though he would argue, because Kurogane always needed to protect everyone. As vices went, it was charming and understandable, but still a weakness. "I'm a creature of the night now; nothing will sneak up on me." That Kurogane wavered for even a second without contradicting him told Fai everything he needed to know about how painful the arm was. "Just this once, let me protect you." 

There was a time when the pleading would have been part pretense, part of a game, but not now. They were moving towards the end, and they all needed to be at full strength. Kurogane would never give less than his all, Fai knew that, but he would be weakened by a lack of sleep. Kurogane would never forgive himself if anything went wrong because of him, and Fai would not let that happen.

Kurogane couldn't help the slight sigh of relief that escaped him when he took the arm off, or the fleeting look of gratitude, for all that he fought to keep both expressions in. He fell asleep immediately, leaving Fai to watch over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End notes: I hope to have the final part of this finished soon, but if there's anyone else who has read the final volume and epilogue of TRC and wouldn't mind talking over a couple of points with me, I'd be grateful. I'd like to make sure I've understood it properly.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dialogue at the start is taken directly from the manga.

Fai and Kurogane were walking through the town square of Clow when Mokona bounced up to them. The white pork bun told Fai and Kurogane that Sakura had found out about Sayoran, and the price he and Watanuki were going to pay for their last wish. She had gone to speak to Sayoran. Kurogane knew that time was growing short. “That means it’s going to be us making the next decision.”

“About what we do from now on?”

“Yes.” They’d known this moment would come. Kurogane was relieved that they had been given enough time here in Clow for the worst of their injuries to heal. That didn’t make the next choice any easier though.

Mokona hopped off to talk to one of the local fruit-sellers, probably in the hope of being given free food. It had timed the departure so that it had no part of this conversation. Kurogane suspected Mokona of being smarter than it pretended.

Kurogane would have avoided the conversation if he could have, there was no good way to start it and it wasn’t as though they had a truly free choice because they both knew they were tied together. Fai would have to be where Kurogane was, or die a slow and painful death by starvation. Kurogane would rather have Fai by his side because it was Fai’s choice, not because Fai was forced to be there. He didn’t know if Fai had recovered enough of himself to voice an opinion.

Kurogane himself was torn. There was his duty to the Princess. Even if he could trust Souma to do a good job of guarding her, and even if Tomoyo didn’t mind, he’d sworn to protect Tomoyo. There was no going back on his word. Then there was his loyalty to Sayoran. The kid had given up so much, and would give even more, more than he could afford to give, if he had no one to keep an eye on him. He thought that Sakura would be fine here, Youkita would let nothing harm her, so there was no reason to worry for her safety. Not like that anyway. No, Sakura would be fine as long as they could keep Sayoran in one piece.

Normally Kurogane was not the kind of man who forced decision-making on to others, but he understood the appeal of doing just that right now. He had no idea what the right thing to do was, if there even was a right thing, and not two equal wrongs. “As I see it, there are two options.” Fai nodded. They must have been obvious to him too. “Any ideas?” Fai looked as though he were thinking. “And if you say ‘whatever you want’, so help me I’ll …”

“You’ll do what exactly?” Fai smiled. His old smile. Or near enough. The one that said Fai was about to do whatever it was that Kurogane had expressly forbidden, and that Fai was going to delight in teasing and tormenting Kurogane. Kurogane never thought he would have been glad to see it, but he was.

“I’ll think of something.” Kurogane paused. “Do we go with Sayoran or do we go to Nihon?” Those were the only places Kurogane wanted to be.

There was no hesitation on Fai’s part. “We stay with Sayoran. Someone has to look after him. You know he won’t take any care of himself.” Fai knew he could be happy with Kurogane wherever they went, but he also knew that if they didn’t go with Sayoran, he would never be able to live with the guilt and he doubted whether Kurogane would be able to either.

“You’re right.”

“I know.” Fai smiled and kissed Kurogane on the cheek.

It was not the life that Kurogane had imagined for himself, but then again, none of his dreams ever lived up to reality. He had revenged himself on his parents’s killers, and that was the thing that had driven him all these years. The Princess had wanted him to learn that there was more to life than violence, and maybe there was, but having got his vengeance was definitely the first step in being able to appreciate that.

There were things he’d lost, most noticeably his arm, and he regretted those, especially his arm, he’d never get used to the artificial replacement, but there were things that he’d gained. He thought of the wizard who was with him now, of the princess, and the kid. He wasn’t the sort of sentimental fool who believed that bad things were ever made up for by anything, but this new life, it would do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has stayed with this fic all the way through, and sorry for the large gaps between chapters.


End file.
